old post...

23.11.12.

I was lying in bed, thinking those internal thoughts you think when doing mundane things like riding your bike to work, showering or falling asleep. i was vainly thinking about my teeth and my skin, the fact that i have broken teeth and fillings, and laughter lines around my eyes despite the fact i wear no make up and don't tan myself. suddenly, in popped a small voice

''ehem..'' he coughed, and waited.
''hello?'' i asked, wondering what piece of wisdom or disdain 'the voice' had to offer tonight.
''stop thinking like that'' he demanded.
''like what? this is normal, no?'' i defended myself.
''let me ask you, were you more attractive a year ago than you are now?''
''i was younger and peachier, so in a way..yes'' i decided, thinking that i didn't so much like this fact.
''and the year before that and the year before that, were you more attractive than a year ago?'' i could hear a smart arsed undertone and was becoming increasingly defensive.
''well...yes!
''So stop thinking about how good looking you used to be because this is as good as its going to get - if in your opion you were always better looking than you are now, that will also be the case in 6 months..today day you are more attractive than you will be then''
''.......ehh....'' i was silenced.

And i can count on one hand how many ugly/fat days i've had sinse then.
Good point Little Voice, good point.

Lost and Found.

What on earth??

Where have i been??!!

Last post - July 2010...3 years ago!! In the September of that year i got a job, one that drained my soul until the following July when i got a new job that would also drain my soul but in a different manner - a manner that i didn't notice for a few months and by that time it was October and i was having a nervous breakdown, screaming down the phone to anyone who would listen..

''HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS??!!!''

i was promised full time hours, but the reality worked out to be more like 18-25 hours a week... which when you break it down is 100 hours a month...

X minimum wage =

all work and no play! 

The 18-25 hours would be something like a few shifts from 11- 4 and 8.30-5.30 on a saturday - 10- 3 on a sunday, wiping out the best parts of my days and weekends...

So i got FED UP and moved.

to Geneva.

WOW.

Geneva...

In that nervous break down of an October i put an advert up on an au-pair website just to SEE what was on offer and what people we're looking for.

apparently people are looking for anything without a brain because within 24 hours i had had 5 offers of jobs WITHOUT interviews - didn't like the sound of that -

''yeah, so we're looking for someone to start next month...oh no, we dont need an interview..yeah we have 5 children..you get one day off a month and we pay you £100 for this because we don't charge you to live in our house'' 

RIGHT. Thank you but...*zooom!*

But then a little family in Geneva, Switzeraland got in touch - 

*one child

*Montisory schooled

*skiing weekends

*minimum wage 

LETS GO methinks..

So i went and it was cold and it was expensive. And i was STILL MISERABLE - can you imagine? I met some amazing people, went snowboarding and ate a LOT of chocolate and spoke french - so all was not terrible! But i was not ''happy''

However..

I returned home in the june and started work at a restaurant in my home town - 80 hours a week - i was RAKING it in but i wasn't miserable because i didn't have TIME to be miserable but this also meant i had no time to spend my hard earned money because i was always at work or asleep, i got promoted to manager-ey status, where i then had to also come in on one of my two days off without being paid - yay! 

I wasn't miserable.

I was lost and a little void of emotion.

Dramatic hey...

Then one night...

One late Friday night..

There was a table of two older gentlemen.

I was tired.

They were drunk.

I was tired.

I take the card machine over for them to pay and one of the gentleman asks why i think he should pay a service charge..

(Now bare in mind at this point, that the bill doesn't even include a service charge) 

I smile and tell him that i don't need a service charge, that's fine, he's welcome to just pay the bill, but he insists he just would like some justification for having to pay a service charge should there be one -

''well sir, this evening when you came in i greeted you with a smile, showed you to a lovely table, bought you some menus and water, took a drinks order, bought you your drinks, took a food order, bought you your food, checked to make sure you we're enjoying everything 
and then cleared your plates, offered you dessert and coffee, had polite conversation with you and now i've bought you your bill like you asked and then bought the card machine so you can pay - i have provided the service of you not having to do a single thing but make decisions - 

at this point im trying not to cry from being overtired and trying not to get angry

- you're 'tip' or service charge payment makes my bad waitress pay a little more bearable - but at this point i have been in this restaurant for around 60 hours this week already and right now i would like to go home and sleep before i have to be here at 8a.m tomorrow making croissants and coffee for breakfast eaters who will not tip''

His friend is silent..watching this exchange -

The offensive customer says to me 

''well, your obviously not a waitress because you're too dramatic - whats your real profession?'' 

TOO DRAMATIC.

I tell them i am a seamstress - i make corsets - except for a company opened in this town around 2 years ago selling 3 corsets for £100 where mine cost £150 for one. And now im a waitress. 

I am silently, mentally begging for them to PAY AND LEAVE.

but then the friend speaks...

''i work for that company....''

Silence.
Red faces.

Mainly his...

He asks me to sit down for a chat - at this point there has been so much piss taking and back chatting i feel like he is joking and i will sit for him only to pull a rug from under my feet. 

But i sit and there is no rug pulling, there isn't even a rug...only intrirgue...

He asks for my phone number, and then gives me his and tells me he knows i'll be tired but please please call him as soon as i wake up.

So the next morning as i'm walking the dog in the dewy misty long grass feeling a little hesitant and wondering just how drunk he was last night - i make the call.

He asks me to an interview that day - I'm working - I can't..

Do i get a break?

well..yes, but im not sure when..

He tells me to organise my break and go for an interview.

fast forward 10 hours..i have been interviewed, i have been given a job, a full time, 9-5, 5/7 job. 

I'm running around my restaurant squealing with joy, infecting the customers with this jubilation of mine. I don't start until January 5th but i don't care - what a thing to look forward to!

And that was this year - January 2013.

It is now November. 

I'm not happy like before, i still retain some of that emotionless numb -

but i'm on my way.

I'm still finding little things to find some joy in - like a miniature red enamel teapot i bought a few weeks ago that i will post pictures of soon..

or the lockable microscope box (minus the microscope) i found in a charity shop.

I gotta come back to the blog.

That's all for now.

Bisous

x

are you awake????

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that its time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy-tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you,) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are, what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

Your learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more loveable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.

And you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you decide you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve..and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes "bad" things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

eat. pray. love.

“Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted—an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore—despite the fact that you know he has it hidden some where, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination—the complete and merciless devaluation of self.''

Loves Philisophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle -
Why not I with thine?

See the mountains kiss high heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me

hes like a human version of foamy!!

kind of annoying - but...
Yes, love yourself and others will too...
be comfortable with yourself and it will happen.
Do not rely on someone else for happiness.
Do not rely on someone else to bring you up, its no fair on them.
Learn to love.

Learn the difference between infatuation and obsession and love. pure love.

love,
xxxx

the life that i have

The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have
Is yours

The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours

A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours
And yours

a hidden kiss

Wendy: Heavens. – Hook!
Millicent: Hook?
Michael: Hook, whose eyes turn red as he guts you.
Millicent: Upon my soul, how children are educated nowadays.
Wendy: [Chuckles] – I’m afraid I am not learned at all, Aunt. But I do know a thing or two about pirates... My unfulfilled ambition is to write a great novel in three parts about my adventures.
Millicent: What adventures?
Wendy: I’ve yet to have them, but they will be perfectly thrilling.
Millicent: But, child, novelists are not highly thought of in good society. And there is nothing so difficult to marry as a novelist.
All: Marry? – Marry? Marry? – But, Aunt, Wendy is not yet 13.
Millicent: Walk toward me, dear, that I may appraise you.
Mr. Darling: Go on. Walk to your auntie. Stand up straight.
[Children giggling]
Millicent: Stop it! – Turn around.
Mr. Darling: Shh.
Millicent: Mm, yes. Oh, it’s quite as I expected.....Wendy possesses a woman’s chin. Have you not noticed? Observe her mouth.....There, hidden in the right-hand corner....is that a kiss?
[Mrs. Darling Gasps]
Mrs. Darling: A kiss? – Like Mother’s kiss.
Millicent: A hidden kiss.
Mrs. Darling: But what is it for?
Millicent: It is for the greatest adventure of all....They that find it…have slipped in and out of heaven.
Wendy: Find what?
Millicent: The one the kiss belongs to.
Mrs. Darling: My Wendy…a woman.
Millicent: Almost a woman.

limited space

Making the most of small spaces:

At some point this year ill be moving into
a very very very very very tiny 'studio apartment'.
The thought of this makes me feel a panicky.
But then i remembered how ikea utilise small spaces
- can't find any pics -
So i started to Google images of good studio apartments.
most of the pics aren't actually of full 'studio' apartments
(can't bloody stand that term. its not studio. its a room
with a kitchenette and a bed and a shower room. A bedsit in fact.)
AND then i remembered that carrie has a kind of studio in SATC :)
She has an actual kitchen aswell as a living/bedroom - but its a step in the right direction.
work with what you have...or something.
Positive thinking!

Its all about what you do with it...

Ikea loft bed, space saving...

kitchenettes don't have to be ALL bad....
kinda..
MY kitchenette will look NOTHING like this sleek little thing,
i can guarantee - but, optimism and positive thinking!!

wouldn't have it this way around, but its not terrible is it...?

can just about see the 'kitchen' at the back...
inspiration...
could be worse..

positive thinking..

xxxx

The Egg

ou were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

By: Andy Weir

Carmens Cosy Givaway

For the few of you who follow me, sorry iv not been around -

i have a job!!!!!
and so many sewing projects!
and thiiings, but will find time to do some bloggering soon..
ANYWAY! the point to todays entry is..

I'v been following Carmen for a while now - awesome make up tips and cooking stuff, just a generally cosy girly blog :)

i logged into my blogger account this morning and found this giveaway :D
WWAAAAA exciting :D headbands being totally in this season and its grey and cosy and nice ^_^ AND a drawer smelly - though to be honest, looks tempting to use as a pin cushion for glass-headed multi coloured pins...

So...here it is!

''A cosy chunky knit headband/earwarmer with a whopping bow and some subtly scattered shiny bits (shame they don't show up too much in the piccie) and a vanilla scented cupcake called pammi who loves nothing more than to snooze in closets and sock drawers :]''

SO, i strongly advise you, to follow carmens blog as its useful and lovely AND be in with a chance to enter and win the giveaway :D

GO to her blog, and follow these instructions (also, on her blog)
How to enter

Leave a comment describing the cupcake of your dreams! Too easy :]

Terms and conditions

1. You must be a follower. Duh lol

2. Do not forget to leave your email! Send it to magenta_goblin@ymail.com if you're uncomfortable with leaving it in the comment box DON'T FORGET!

2. For two entries leave your comment and blog about the giveaway.

For three entries, blog and stick the teeny tiny piccie in your sidebar :]

(shameless plugging lol)

Giveaway ends on thursday at midnight!

So, there we are :)

GO GO GO!
xxxx

Crazy English

English is weird...

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

12. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

13. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

14. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

15. They were too close to the door to close it.

16. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

17. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

18. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

19. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

20. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

21. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

vows

Charlotte:
There are no commitments, only bargains. And they have to be made again every day. You think making a commitment is it. Finish. You think it sets like a concrete platform and it’ll take any strain you want to put on it. You’re committed. You don’t have to prove anything. In fact you can afford a little neglect, indulge in a little bit of sarcasm here and there, isolate yourself when you want to. Underneath it’s concrete for life. I’m a cow in some ways, but you’re an idiot.

Henry:
What was that? Oh ... yes. No commitments. Only bargains. The trouble is I don’t really believe it. I’d rather be an idiot. It’s a kind of idiocy I like. ‘I use you because you love me. I love you so use me. Be indulgent, negligent, preoccupied, premenstrual ... your credit is infinite, I’m yours, I’m committed...’ It’s no trick loving somebody at their best. Love is loving them at their worst. Is that romantic? Well, good. Everything should be romantic.

nothing satisfies me but your soul

Manifestation

this morning i started reading an old myspace blog...heh. myspace. anyway - i realised all of the 'wants' i wrote down that were out of my control i got. the universe has given me everything i have bloody wanted - the possible things at least.

eg:

i wrote this in February 2008
2. I want love again, i want the exploding chest ohmyiloveyousomuchicouldeatyou kind of love, and kind of love where when you hug them you want to fall inside...im ready...i think.
i met my boy that april....

i wrote this in February as well, in the same blog
10. for my birthday i want my lovlies on some grass, eating a picnic, drawing in summer books, with ballooooons and jelly and fun :D like im 14 again cuz i miss that millions. EVERYONE welcome..so start asking for no rain on thursday the 27th of march :) pray or think positive thoughts or throw salt over your left shoulder three times a day every other day starting on sunday, or whatever, becuase unfortunatly my wheather changing powers seem to have gone, and i want to enjoy this birthday.
- my birthday was in march and this is exactly what happened...

in the august i wrote this....
someone lend me like....£700...
ill buy £200 worth of driving lessons. and a theory and practical test. the rest i will spend on fabrics and boning and ribbons and buttons and other things i can make pretty things from. and set up a sewing room and wake up each morning feeling prepared to do the things i should do...becuase i want to. becuase im good at it.
that December a guy crashed into our car resulting in an injury claim which we come to below.

the next april i wrote this:
right now id quite enjoy :
being able to drive and a car
a comfortable job i enjoy..or just a job?
£250 for Nikon d40
aaaaannnd my own little workroom for my creative bits..
that June i got £2000 from the insurance company and this year we moved into our house where i have my own LITTLE workroom for my creative bits...

(2000 which i pretty spent on nothing. life is expensive hey... but i paid tom back a chunk and then we had fun and ate out for a few months and i bought corset things and paid for a holiday)

money and love. thats what i aksed for.
and thats what i got. feels selfish now -
but god i feel lucky.
so ask for what you want:
don't give another option.

xxxx